I Believe in Miracles

"Nurse, in your time working here.... you've seen lots of miracles, right?" 

  

         ...was the question that made me pause my computer charting and turn around to face the searching eyes of a concerned mother-in-law, and large family of my comatose leukemia-stricken patient. The stare of desperation from this young mother, pleading to be given hope that her lover and father of her 9 children would rise and walk again... struck me to the core. The emotion radiating out of the oldest child's face seemed to scream to me, "Please! Tell me that my Dad will hear my mission call when it comes next week!" I suddenly felt the intensity and pressure to deliver an expected performance as if the room had blacked out into a stage in front of thousands... and the spotlight was on me. 

   "Miracles?"  I stammered... "Yes, I have seen many miracles..."

     My mind began to frantically sift through the mental files of all my past patients... grasping for the most impressive and relevant example to assuage their fears and buoy them up with peace and hope.  ... just as a good nurse should, right? As I came across the file marked with the name of the last comatose patient in that very same bed... the one that had been declared brain dead and futile, who... through the relentless faith of his mother... awoke and rose again... my thoughts were interrupted by my own voice that started to speak with startling confidence and surety...

    "but... the most miraculous are those in which the families and loved ones are filled with peace, comfort, and strength to move on- even when things do not turn out how they had wanted them to."

     Even while listening to myself, my mind was waving my past patient's file yelling, "No No No! Use this one! They'll like this one a lot more!!"... but the Spirit overtook me... and left me with no doubt that this was what they needed to hear. From that moment on... despite the uncertainty of the doctors, I secretly knew that this man would not be in his mortal body to hear his son's mission call. 

     When I walked into the unit the next shift, I was met by the mother-in-law in the hall who threw her arms around me and said, "You were so inspired to say what you said to us. It was from God to prepare us. I don't know how to tell my daughter... but I feel like he's not there.... that only his body is left." Now, I make no claim in knowing when the spirit leaves the body... but I could not deny the indisputable difference I felt when I walked in the room. As I cared for him... it was like no one was home. Or perhaps more so that... he had gone home. 

   I shared the next painful week with this family and watched this woman weep over, pine for, and sleep in the bed with her husband as if in any moment he would slide his arm around her and hug her fears away. I saw that not only did she desperately need him...she fiercely loved him. Seeing her diligence and devotion to him inspired me to be a better human being. - For I truly doubted my own capacity to love someone with such complete selflessness as she. I didn't know how to help her come to terms with what was to come. The hours I spent sitting with her, crying with her, bathing him with her as she told me stories of him... only left with more questions and pointed fingers at God. "Really? Them? NOW?" and the worst of all..."Why!?" Each time.. my own voice would come back to me with the assurance of the Spirit... that they would not be deprived of His miracles and mercy.

     I spent a few nights holding the youngest baby and talking to the oldest son while the wife slept. I think it was miraculous how he continued to have the strength and determination to serve a mission, despite his worries about his family and desire to stay home and take care of them. He told me of his surety that they could be together again in everlasting happiness... and that news was too big not to share with the world! He was so at peace and sure about everything... I think that was a miracle. 

    I didn't get to be there the night that he died... but the wife has contacted me since. She has shared with me her witness to the miracles and divine intervention that they had experienced since his passing. She admitted to missing him terribly and to having struggles... but that she was astounded by the unnatural strength she has received to carry on and continue to care for and provide for her 9 children. 

I have been criticized and pointedly asked, "How can you STILL believe in God when you have seen so much human suffering and unanswered prayers?" I wish I could lend them my eyes of faith and allow them a glimpse of what I get to see every day. I echo my testimony with prophet Moroni's words in the Book of Mormon in Mormon 9:11,15

"But behold, I will show unto you a God of miracles.... God has not ceased to be a God of miracles" 

    Last year, I was blessed to spend the last night with a patient and his wife. Due to the continuous dialysis machine, I needed to stay in the room constantly, and he was my only patient. He was another comatose leukemia patient that we had coded a few days before, and had gone into multiorgan failure with a very grave prognosis. He and his family had been through far more than seemed fair in the last 2 years... and the dreaded was coming. It became such a tender experience as I bathed him with his wife for his last time. She shared with me the financial, spiritual, and emotional struggles she faced, and her fears for her family's future without a father for her adolescent children. Yet... she never doubted or disdained the Lord throughout it all. I was deeply touched to listen to her love, praise, and recognize Him in so many instances during their battle. She had not allowed any of her pain to extinguish her blazing gratitude for the miraculous conversion of her husband a few years ago and the blessing of being able to have her family sealed in the temple for all eternity. She rejoiced in the miracles she had seen in her family- especially her oldest son. She could see the blessing of his closed and cold heart being newly warmed by the sparks of faith during this trial. 

    In the face of great temptation of doubt and bitter rebellion, this woman had truly chosen faith. As she prayed for miracles... she understood what miracles really are. The Bible Dictionary clarifies that "miracles should not be regarded as deviations from the ordinary course of nature so much as manifestations of divine or spiritual power".

    When the children arrived at the hospital in the morning, they discontinued treatment and he quickly and peacefully slipped into the next act of the play. Weeks later, I answered the phone at work late at night and was so surprised to hear her voice on the phone. "Kali!!! I've been looking for you! I am so glad you answered!" She had called just to share with me the miracles that they had experienced. She related many tender mercies such as anonymous donations to help with the financial strain... and the support and service of others. "I can't even keep track of them, Kali. It was just like we talked about. We are ok. We are great! We miss him SO MUCH...but I hardly believe the peace and comfort we have in our home. There is no way to describe or explain it.                                    ...it is a miracle." 

...How could I NOT see Him in all of this? Moroni nailed it when he said,

"Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?" (Mormon 9:16)